BEHIND THE CURTAIN: If Their Name Is in the Title, Your Character Is Safe…Unless It’s Valerie

Hey, guess what? When a preview of a show says that something bad will happen to the main character, just ignore it. They’ll be safe…on one condition: The main character’s name has to be part of the show’s title. “ON THE NEXT HOUSE, HOUSE WILL DO SOME SHIT THAT WILL ABSOLUTELY JEOPARDIZE HIS MEDICAL CAREER. […]

Hey, guess what? When a preview of a show says that something bad will happen to the main character, just ignore it. They’ll be safe…on one condition:

The main character’s name has to be part of the show’s title.

“ON THE NEXT HOUSE, HOUSE WILL DO SOME SHIT THAT WILL ABSOLUTELY JEOPARDIZE HIS MEDICAL CAREER. OMG.”

No, he really won’t.

And you know why? The show is called House. Without House, there is no show.

Now if the announcer said, “THIS WEEK, FOREMAN WILL FORFEIT HIS CAREER FOR THE WOMAN HE LOVES,” then you can start worrying. The show isn’t called Foreman. He could very well be a goner.

I’m tired of shows trying to make us believe that something truly bad could ever really happen to the main character. If Dexter gets caught on Dexter, guess what? The show is over. Everyone’s out of a job. No matter how much danger is around, the titular character is safe as can be.

Rockford Files? Sure he’ll get beat up by a few perps, but no way is his life in any real danger. Magnum P.I. is safer than a five year old tucked into bed with a warm mug of cocoa. You name the show, the lead character is in ZERO real danger.

Nurse Jackie? She’ll avoid prison. Doogie Howser won’t lose his job at the hospital. The Fresh Prince won’t go back home to Philly. Nothing remotely bad can ever happen.

Unless, of course your name happens to be Valerie.

Valerie Harper was in the show Valerie…until she wasn’t. She had creative difficulties with the producers, who made the unprecedented move of firing her, and renaming the show something you may be more familiar with: The Hogan Family.

Oh, and Valerie was written out by placing her in a fatal car wreck. Whoops.

But that’s an extreme exception to the rule. You can pretty much be assured that YOUR favorite character will live to fight another day. Kojak will keep on catching criminals, Mr. Kotter will keep educating those Sweathogs, and Punky Brewster won’t be collected by child-protective services. Everything will be a-ok.

The way it should be.

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One Response to “BEHIND THE CURTAIN: If Their Name Is in the Title, Your Character Is Safe…Unless It’s Valerie”

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